Tuesday, June 26, 2012


It is my working hypothesis that Florida is currently experiencing a rift in the space-time continuum. Although it will be extremely difficult to prove or disprove this hypothesis, there is a lot of circumstantial evidence to indicate that there may indeed be a tear in the fabric of space-time. It’s certainly worth investigating. Here are my observations:

The first event occurred last Wednesday while I was traveling from Atlanta to Orlando. My new car stopped running suddenly, leaving me sitting on the southbound side of I75. Nine months old, 6600 miles, and my Hyundai Elantra decided to take a powder? Now you’re probably thinking, “Well, these things do happen,” and you’re right, BUT let me tell you the reason my car died.

Gus, my service manager at Gainesville Hyundai, told me – and I quote – “Your car’s timing was off.” Somehow, the “maintenance-free silent timing chain system to enhance durability and improve noise vibration and harshness” (from 2012 Auto Spectator review) had gotten stuck in the wrong “time,” thus rendering it NOT maintenance-free.  Since it’s highly unlikely that a part that new would have worn out, the only other logical conclusion is that a sudden shift in space-time caused the timing of my car to be momentarily out of sync with normal space-time. It seems obvious, no?

Now Florida’s state nickname is “The Sunshine State,” right? At least it is in our normal space-time continuum. However, there is obviously another dimension in space-time in which Florida’s state nickname is “The Perpetually Dismal Swamp State.” I believe that much of Florida is stuck in this second dimension, as evidenced by the fact that Tropical Storm Debbie has swirled about off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico for several days now without moving on, as such storms normally do. Yesterday, the Florida legislature passed a law that Disney tourists must purchase a yellow rain poncho with Mickey Mouse on the back before they can be allowed through the gates. Yes, it’s that dismal.

There are times, though, when I’m convinced that space-time has shifted back to normal. There was a stretch of almost 2 hours today when it wasn’t raining. Unfortunately, there was another shift soon after that and we were back in the dismal swamp dimension.

Perhaps I can’t prove that Florida is shifting between space-time dimensions, but it seems to me that it is time to admit that we need some serious scientific help here. I suggest calling the Enterprise.