Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Vote for Me!

So what do YOU think the major problem facing the U.S. today is? If you believe, as I do, that the economy is our biggest problem, I suggest you vote for me. I am the solution you've been seeking.

You see, I have the extraordinary ability to spin straw into gold. What our economy needs is more gold, right? I suggest putting the U.S. back on the gold standard, so that our paper money is backed up by something tangible. We can always print more paper dollars, but we know that flooding the economy with dollars reduces the value of each dollar. This causes inflation, and inflation is not the goal, is it? But gold? Now that's value you can hold in your hand.

You may have heard rumors that I expect payment in the form of your first-born children for my services. I have to state unequivocally that, although I did make this deal once, it was a mutually agreed upon arrangement. Unfortunately, I found the results of this arrangement to be less than satisfying, so you may rest assured that payment in children is no longer acceptable. Vote for me and I am sure we can negotiate terms later. After all, I only want what you want - an economically sound United States.

My name is...um...um...well, you know, and I approved this message.

Paid for by Citizens to Elect Rumplestiltskin.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Presidential Candidates Series: Jill Hill

My name is Jill, and I want to tell you a story. Many years ago when my brother and I were children, we were in a serious accident. While climbing a hill near our home, both of us lost our footing and fell. I sustained only minor injuries, but my brother Jack was left with severe brain damage. Since then, providing Jack with the health care he needs has been an enormous burden on our family.

My family is not the only family in this situation. Consider Humpty Dumpty and the cost of hiring all the King's horses and all the King's men, only to have the medical treatment ultimately fail. Humpty remains bed-ridden, and his family has had to declare bankruptcy. The medication necessary to keep Humpty pain-free is outrageously expensive, and often he must go without. This situation is untenable.

I am the Presidential candidate of the Fair Healthcare for All party. If you vote for me for President, I promise to correct the healthcare system that causes these difficult situations for American families. I will immediately hire all health professionals, who will be paid a reasonable and equitable amount to work in the government health program. The money necessary to fund the new, fair medical program will be paid for by taxes on the rich. Only by requiring tax payers to contribute according to their ability to pay can we guarantee that all Americans will receive the medical care they need.

Your vote for me will ensure that everyone receives the healthcare that he or she needs, regardless of ability to pay. This is my solemn promise to you.

My name is Jill Hill and I approved this message.

Paid for by the Concerned Citizens for Equality in Healthcare and by the committee to elect Jill Hill.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Presidential Candidates Series: Chicken Little

Who is the ideal candidate for President of the United States? Looking for some suggestions? I hope you enjoy my series of political ads much more than you're enjoying the Obama/Romney ads on TV right now. --Vicki

Hello. My name is Chicken Little and I'm running for President of the United States as the Environmental Party candidate. I believe that the number one issue facing this country today is the disastrous impact human beings have had on our planet. Consider man-made global warming, for example. The polar ice caps are melting, the oceans are getting bigger, and soon the entire earth will be covered in water. You have to admit, compared to this catastrophic scenario, all other issues become irrelevant.

I am the ideal candidate to solve this nation's main problem because I have personal experience dealing with environmental disasters. Single-handedly, I solved the terrifying problem of the sky falling. As you can see, the steps I took to correct the sky-falling catastrophe have been and continue to be successful.  I promise that I will implement the steps necessary to avert environmental melt-down from my first day as President, regardless of cost or other petty considerations.

A vote for me in November is a vote for planet Earth. I am Chicken Little, and I approved this message.

Paid for by environmentally-concerned American chickens and the committee to elect Chicken Little.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Important New Health and Safety Tip

So HOW does something like this happen?

In Aberdeen, Scotland earlier this week, a man got his head stuck in a rubbish bin. When I say stuck, I do mean STUCK. A rescue crew had to use heavy-duty tools normally used for cutting people out of vehicles after auto accidents to free the man.

Now, I’ve reached into a trash can once or twice when I’ve accidentally thrown away something that wasn’t actually trash. We all have, right? I’ve read stories about people dumpster diving to find lost wedding rings, and there are frequently news reports of people who have rescued what turned out to be priceless Rembrandt paintings from trash heaps. However, this gent in Scotland went far past this point. It’s a pretty serious situation when you have to be rescued from a trash bin with the jaws-of-life.

If we think education in the United States is lacking, what can we surmise about the education in Scotland? Did no one ever tell the 52-year-old man that sticking his head in a rubbish bin is a bad idea? We tell small children not to push beans up their noses, but have you ever heard someone tell you not to wedge your head into a rubbish bin? Obviously, Scottish schools need to add this important bit of health information to their curriculum immediately.

So what was so important to this man that he had to go down a rubbish bin after it? Was it the winning million dollar lottery ticket? Was it a stash of illegal drugs that he had placed in the bin for safe-keeping? Was it a priceless family heirloom pocket watch? We don’t actually know, although reporters in Aberdeen believe it might have been a cigarette. Huh?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Who's the head of this household?



“I put the leash on Wreck, but he won’t go outside.”

“Well, it is raining pretty hard.”

“I know, but who ever heard of a dog that refuses to go for a walk?”

“Maybe he’s smarter than other dogs. I wouldn’t go for a walk in this weather either.”

“Don’t you want to go walkies, Wreck?” I crooned.

Wreck looked out at the rain, then up at me. He took a step back.

I sighed. Wreck and I had sloshed through the rain last night, and had gotten completely soaked and cold. He knew better than to do it again tonight, and yet here I was, trying to force him to walk with me.

“Fine, we won’t go. Chris?”

“Yes, Vicki?”

“You’ll have to get up and let this dog out when he has to pee at 2 AM since he won’t go out now.”

“That hardly seems fair.”

“Not my problem. I suggest you address all complaints to the dog. He’s obviously in charge.”